


Tabla Rasa Revised

by TeaGhost12



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25055428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaGhost12/pseuds/TeaGhost12
Summary: This story takes the great Buffy episode Tabla Rasa and asks what would have happen if the memory loss had lasted longer and if they had gone to their homes and try to piece together their lives based on clues they found there.
Relationships: Rupert Giles/Anya Jenkins, Tara Maclay/Buffy Summers, Xander Harris/Willow Rosenberg
Comments: 5
Kudos: 47





	1. Missing Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> Note this story starts with the events of the great season 6 BtVS episode “Tabla Rasa”. If you have not seen that episode, stop now and screen it because a) the story below starts half way through that episode so spoilers below and b) it is an awesome, wonderful episode and even if you don’t end up reading this story you should watch it because it is absolutely fabulous!
> 
> OK so at this point I am assuming everyone left reading this author’s note has seen the episode. So this story ask what if the vampires weren’t waiting for the gang outside of the Magic Box? What if they could all get back to their homes what sort of wrong conclusions might they continue to make as they try to learn more about their lives? Also, how might the wrong conclusions they have already made in the episode (spoilers but also reminders for those who haven’t seen the episode recently - that Giles and Anya are engaged; that Spike is Giles’ son and is named Randy; that Willow and Xander are dating; and that Buffy is named Joan) create havoc once they have gotten home and tried to live their lives without their memories? You will notice that the first couple lines of character dialogue are directly from the episode that is just to help you guys identify exactly where I am before starting my own divergent storyline. Hope you guys enjoy. Feedback is appreciated.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang has just woken up and found that all of them have lost their memories. Can they use the clues around them to regain their identity or will they jump to the wrong conclusions?

Moments ago the eight people who had opened their eyes in this magic shop had all been strangers to themselves and each other. Yet, with the help of their driver’s licenses, some clues they had found scattered about, and some deductive reasoning, they all had names now, and some sense of their relationship to each other. However, there were still a lot of holes to be filled.

“We have no idea what’s wrong with us,” said Buffy. “I think a hospital’s our best bet.”

Anya was straightening her fiancé’s tie, but Giles heard Buffy’s comment and agreed. “Um, yes, let’s, um, let’s head out.”

They all start to walk toward the door. Xander offered his arm to his girlfriend and tentatively she took it.

“Any suggestion on how we’re gonna get there?” asked Buffy.

“Dad can drive,” answered Spike. “He’s bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.”

“B..b..but we don’t even know where the hospital is,” said Tara as they walk out into the darken streets outside of the magic shop.

“Well, let’s ask someone,” suggested Willow. She saw an old man and woman walking down the street and approached them. “Excuse me, could you tell us where the hospital is?”

The old man gave Willow directions to the hospital which turns out to be only a few blocks away. The old man smiled saying, “Well, Sunnydale is not exactly a big town, almost everything is close by.” Willow thanked the man and returned to the group.

“It’s close we could probably walk there,” said Willow.

“Good,” said Anya, “because I don’t see a red penis car anywhere.”

Later that evening, a young resident was sitting in front of Spike with a stethoscope to his chest. “I don’t get it, this stethoscope worked fine when I did the exam on everyone else, but something seems to be wrong with it now. I just can’t seem to find your heart beat,” he said shaking his head.

The doctor in the room smiled indulgently at the young resident. “It doesn’t really matter. I am sure that he is as healthy as the others.” She turned to the group. “I am sorry, but I can’t find anything wrong with any of you that could explain your memory loss. We would be glad to keep you all here if you would like. We can observe you and see if there is any change, but I am not sure we can really help. I think it might actually be more productive for those of you who can find your homes to go there, you might be able to find someone or something that can jog your memory.”

“Thank you, doctor. I think that sounds like good advice,” said Giles, his arm over Anya’s shoulder. The group smiled at the doctor as she departed.

“That’s great for you guys,” said Buffy. “Those of you with driver’s licenses know your address but neither Dawn nor I have any ID on us. We don’t even know our last name to try to look it up in the phonebook. How do we find our home?”

“Maybe home will find you,” said Willow. The group turned to her confused. “I just mean, that since Dawn is a teenager and it’s getting pretty late, your mom or dad are probably looking for you. In fact, I don’t know if we are friends or strangers, but if we are friends maybe your parents would have left a voicemail at one of our apartments.”

“So Dawn and I should follow you guys to your different homes and see if anyone left you a message about us? Sounds like a plan,” said Buffy with a smile. She looked at Xander and said, “You have got a smart girlfriend there.”

Xander smiled at Willow. “Yeah, it looks like.” Willow smiled back a little embarrassed.

Buffy continued. “Why don’t you guys that do have ID get it out, and we can ask someone here at the hospital if they can give us directions. We can start by going to whoever’s place is closest.”

A little bit later the group was standing outside of Xander’s apartment. “Well, I guess it is not that key,” he said as he moved to try the next key on the keychain. “Let’s try this one.” The door unlocked. “Well, let’s hope that I clean up after myself.”

The group walked into the apartment. There were some newspapers on the kitchen table and some cups by the sink, but otherwise the living room and kitchen looked neat.

“So I guess this is where I live,” said Xander with a smile, as the group wandered in slowly. “Well, I guess I need to figure out if I have an answering machine or something,” he said glancing at Buffy and Dawn.

Spike wandered over to the bedroom. The room was a bit messier with some clothes on the bed and some shoes by the beedroom door. Spike spied a pair of high heel slippers with red poofs on the top that Anya had recently danced in when the dancing demon come to Sunnydale. “Nice shoes,” he said with a smirk.

Willow rushed over and grabbed the shoes. She glanced into the bedroom and saw that the bed was unmade and that both guy’s and girl’s clothes were lying around. She dropped the shoes inside the door as she closed the bedroom door. “You know, why don’t you guys make yourself comfortable in here,” she said as she motioned the group to the sofa. “Can I get anyone anything?”

“Good idea, honey,” said Xander absentmindly as he held the receiver of the phone to his ear.

“I would take some water,” said Tara with a smile to Willow. Willow was surprised at how much her heart melted at the sight of that smile. The feeling confused her and she tried to ignore it.

“Anyone else?” asked Willow. The members of the group shook their heads. Willow began looking through the kitchen cabinets for glasses.

Xander put down the receiver and turned to Dawn and Buffy. “Just one message from a guy from work, apparently I work construction, but sorry nothing from your parents.”

“How were you able to check your voicemail?” asked Dawn. “Didn’t you need a password?”

Xander smiled. “Apparently, today is not the only day that I have been forgetful.” He picked up a pad of paper beside the phone, on it was written clearly: New Voicemail Password 8485.

“Convenient,” said Buffy with a smile.

Willow smiled indulgently over at her boyfriend.

“Hey, look it’s me,” said Anya happily as she picked up a picture of Xander and herself off a table.

Tara glanced at the picture that Anya was holding, Anya and Xander were standing very close together and smiling at the camera. Xander had his arm around Anya’s shoulders. “You guys must be friends.”

“Close friends,” said Buffy with a raised eyebrow as she looked at how close the two fo them are in the picture.

“Wait!” said Dawn excitedly. “What if it is something different? What if it is like me and Joan?” The group turned to look at her. “Well, we don’t know what Anya’s last name is. She just got her first name from those sales slips, right?” Anya nodded. “Well, what if her last name is Harris?” Dawn said proudly. “What if Anya and Alex are brother and sister?”

“Anya and Alex Harris,” said Buffy with a smile. “I could see it. In fact you two look about the same age you might even be fraternal twins.”

Anya and Xander looked at each other and then smiled.

“Come here, sis,” said Xander with a smile and he gave her a hug. As they separated from the hug their eyes met for a moment and they both shared a look and feeling that was a little more intense than siblings should feel. Yet with no memories everything felt so confused and the feeling passed too quickly for either of them to really examine it.

“See who needs memories,” said Willow with a smile. “We are doing really well at figuring stuff out without them.”

Buffy looked at Giles. “So I guess you and Alex will be brothers-in-laws soon.”

Giles looked surprised by this announcement. “Yes, I guess so.” He and Xander shared an uncomfortable look, but the others didn’t notice.

“Bloody hell,” exclaimed Spike, “that means a guy that has to be around my age will be my uncle by marriage. I told you there was a reason I didn’t want a young trollop for a mother.”

“Now, see here, Randy!” exclaimed Giles “I won’t have you...”

Willow quickly interrupted in order to try to divert the conversation to a safer subject. “I wonder when you guys are getting married.”

“I don’t know,” Giles said a bit distracted still glaring at Spike.

“Let’s go to our place now!” said Anya insistently. “I want to learn more about me.”

“I think we have found out all that we can from this place,” said Buffy. “And it is getting late I don’t want our parents to worry. We should check and see if they called your place.”

It isn’t long before the group was on Giles’ porch.

“Hurry up!” said Anya insistently.

“I just don’t know what key it is, dear. Oh, here we go.”

The door swung open and Anya rushed in and the group followed. Anya quickly looked around the room. She scanned at the desk, rushed over to glance at the bookcase, looked around the living room, before turning on Giles. “Where are your pictures of me?”

“Well dear, I...I...” stammered Giles.

“My brother has pictures of me, and my fiancé doesn’t?!?”

“He doesn’t have any pictures of his soddening son either,” grumbled Spike with bitterness as he flopped down on the couch.

“Now hold on here. It doesn’t appear that I have many photographs at all. So perhaps...” said Giles.

“Tomorrow we are going to get our picture taken,” said Anya with authority.

Giles sighed. “Yes, dear.” Giles then turned to his desk. “Well, here is my phone but no answering machine.”

“Pick up the receiver,” said Dawn. “See if you have voicemail.”

Giles did so. “I just hear a dial tone. I don't know if I have voicemail or not.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t,” said Buffy with a smile. She picked up an artifact from the bookcase. “You really don’t look like Mr. 21st century. Actually Mr. 13th century might be more like it. Look at all of these books on magic.”

Giles came over. “Who would have guessed I would be so involved in such things?” said Giles picking up some of the books. “Although, perhaps some fo these might be useful in restoring our memories...” He sat down and began leafing through one volume.

“But until then, how are Joan and I going to find home?” asked Dawn sadly. “I mean Anya doesn’t have any ID with an address and neither does Randy.”

“Nope,” said Spike as he stretched out on Giles’ coach. “I’d say dad’s coach is going to be my home for awhile.”

“Oh, brilliant,” said Giles under his breath.

“It’ll be OK Dawn,” said Willow smiling. “We haven’t checked out Tara or my room on campus, and maybe Joan is a student on campus too.”

Dawn brightened.

“Why don’t you girls go to campus and check it out,” said Giles. “And don’t worry if there are no messages from your parents there, you can come back here to sleep and we will look for them in the morning.”

“Here!” said Anya in shock.

“Well, yes, this would be the biggest place and they have to sleep somewhere.”

Anya was obviously peeved by that idea. “Go to the dorm rooms now. I very much hope your parents called,” she said with false brightness.


	2. Late night revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang continues their search for answers after having experienced a memory loss.

Willow, Xander, Buffy, Dawn and Tara left Giles’ house and headed for campus. A little while later Tara and Willow were showing their school IDs to a person sitting at a reception area in one of the dorms on campus.

“I know this is an odd request,” said Willow. “But Tara and I don’t seem to remember our dorm room numbers could you give them to us.”

The student behind the desk looked at them confused for a moment and then shrugged. He took their id and began to punch the information into the computer.

“Let’s see. The computer doesn’t list any dorm rooms for either of you. It shows that you both live off campus. The same address for both of you: 1630 Revello Drive.”

“You wouldn’t by any chance recognize me as a student here, would you?” asked Buffy.

The student behind the desk looked at her, but then shook his head. “I am just a freshman, so there are a lot of people I don’t know yet, but sorry you don’t seem familiar.”

Buffy turned to the others with a shrug, “Oh well, it was worth a shot.”

A little bit later the group found themselves outside of 1630 Revello Drive. The house was dark.

“We can’t be the only ones who live here,” said Tara looking at the house. “It is way too big we must live here with friends.”

“Doesn’t look like any of them are home,” says Xander looking at the darken windows.

“Maybe they are asleep. It is late,” said Buffy.

“We should be quiet just in case,” said Willow upon opening the door.

The group cautiously entered and began to look around.

Dawn picked up a picture off a table close to the front door. “Hey,” said Dawn in a loud whisper, “look at this.” She showed them a picture of Willow, Buffy and Xander from high school. In the picture, Buffy was sitting and Xander had his head on Buffy’s leg, while Willow was looking at the camera over Buffy’s shoulder. “You guys must be friends,” said Dawn.

“It looks a couple years old,” said Buffy. “I mean my hair is a lot longer now.”

“And mine is shorter now,” noted Willow.

“I wonder when this was taken,” said Xander. “I wonder how long we have known each other and when we met.”

Willow, Xander and Buffy exchanged a sad look.

“It would be nice to know,” said Buffy with a sigh.

“Hey guys over here,” said Tara.

Tara was in the living room and she had flipped on the lights. She pointed to some pictures on the nearby tables. The group glanced at the pictures. They were all pictures of Dawn, Buffy or both.

Dawn pointed at one which had Dawn, Buffy and a pretty woman with blond curly hair. “That must be our mom!”

“Wait a second,” said Willow. “This doesn’t feel like off campus housing. This feels like a family’s house.” She turned to Buffy. “Your family’s house.”

“You know,” said Xander, “most people when they go off to college look forward to moving away from their parents’ supervision. You two,” he said pointing at Tara and Willow, “voluntarily move in with someone else’s parents during college?”

Buffy smiled at Xander. “Yeah, maybe your girlfriend is not as smart as we thought.”

Willow gave them a look. “Maybe we did it to save money or something.”

Dawn had moved away from the group and was looking up the stairs. “I wonder if Mom or Dad is here”

“If they are, we probably should wake them and let them know what is going on. They might be able to fill in the blanks,” said Buffy. “You guys wait down here.” Buffy started up the stairs.

Dawn wandered into the living room and then the kitchen turning on lights as she went. The others followed her. “You guys want anything to eat or drink?” she asked.

“I’m getting kind of hungry,” said Xander. “What do you got? “

“No idea. Let’s see,” said Dawn as she began looking through cabinets.

Willow noticed more pictures of Buffy and Dawn on the walls of the kitcen. “There is no doubt about it. This is definitely your house,” said Willow.

A voice from upstairs called down to them. “Hey, guys come up here.”

Willow, Xander, Tara and Dawn quickly joined Buffy upstairs.

“What’s up, Joan?” asked Xander.

“Well, my parents aren’t here,” said Buffy as she indicated the master bedroom. Buffy had turned on the light in that room and through the open doorway the group could see the made bed. “But the thing is that, besides my parents’ room, I only found this bedroom, which is Dawn’s...”

“How do you know?” asked Dawn.

Buffy smiled and pointed to some school books that were on the bed that had obviously been dumped out of the nearby book bag. “Your name is on your homework.”

“Oh,” said Dawn.

“And by the way it looks like our last name is Summers,” added Buffy.

“Cool,” said Dawn with a smile. “I can deal with that.”

Buffy lead the group out of Dawn’s room and down the hall. “And I found this room which might be mine. I am not sure I really haven’t taken the time to explore and try to find anything with a name on it...not that I know my name for certain yet.”

“B...b...but where do we sleep?” asked Tara.

“Exactly,” said Buffy. “That guy on campus said this was where you two lived, but if so shouldn’t you both have rooms?”

“Well,” said Willow, “from the state of Alex’s bedroom I would say I spend most of my time over there. Although, why would I say I live here if I don’t?”

“I don’t know,” said Buffy. “Maybe you both live with your respective significant others, but have it listed that you live here so you don’t get in trouble with your parents or something.”

“And your parents go along with that?” asked Xander suspiciously. “I mean it sounds pretty dodgy.”

Buffy shrugged and turned back to look at the master bedroom door. “Maybe they are never here to notice,” she said with a sigh. She turned back to the group. “I mean, where are they? It’s really late.”

“Did you find any clues in there about where they might be - a calender or something?” asked Willow.

“I didn’t look. I didn’t want to go though my parents’ stuff. I just glanced in enough to know they are not home. I guess maybe I could go in and look through their stuff,” said Buffy a little unsure.

“Myabe they are out of town,” suggested Xander.

“Great timing,” said Buffy pouty. “Right when I need them to tell me my name and all the memories of my life; they go on a trip.”

“They’ll be back soon,” said Dawn. “Right?”

“Yeah,” said Buffy pulling Dawn into a hug. “I am sure they will. Don’t worry.”

“Well,” said Tara “I guess everyone knows where they sleep...except for me.”

“Hey, it will be alright,” said Willow. She gently rubbed Tara’s arm. A spark went between them, their eyes met for a moment and then they both look away feeling confused.

“Hey, what if Joan is right about you two living with your significant others,” exclaimed Dawn brightly, “and what if Tara’s boyfriend is Randy?”

“Could be, he is kind of a hottie,” said Buffy with a smile at Tara. “Although, you need to work on his wardrobe, that brown suit was deadly dull.” She turned to Dawn. “You have been really doing the connection thing, I mean first it is Anya and Alex being sister and brother and now Randy and Tara.”

“I think I can just tell the way things are suppose to be,” said Dawn with a proud smile.

“I...I...I’m not sure,” said Tara. She looked at the others and then down at her feet. “I have a feeling that I don’t date b...,” she looked at them all looking at her, “um...Randy...I don’t think I date him.”

“Well, I guess there are some mysteries we just still have to figure out,” said Buffy. “But I don’t know about you guys, but I am exhausted. How about if I make up the couch for you Tara? I would offer you my parent’s room, but I don’t want to risk that they are just out late and will come home soon.”

“Of course,” said Tara. “That sounds great.”

Buffy turned to Xander and Willow. “And I guess I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

Xander and Willow nodded. Willow looked at Tara for a moment and then followed Xander out the door.

Willow was quiet on the walk back to the apartment.

“You OK?” Xander asked.

“Huh? Oh yeah, sorry. It’s just been a weird day,” she said. They walked on in silence. She thought back on the moment when she had rubbed Tara’s arm or seen Tara’s smile. Those moments had filled her with such electricity it really made her wonder if there was something between her and Tara. She and Xander had assumed that they were going out, because she had woken up in his coat and they were snuggled togher, but maybe there were other reasons for all of that. On the other hand, Willow found that when she looked at Xander she couldn’t dismiss the fact that he might be her boyfriend. She felt comfortable with him. She felt cared for and safe.

She could feel his eyes on her as she walked, and she could tell he was concerned about her. She sighed. “I guess I just don’t like not knowing where I stand. I guess I just wish we had more answers. Alex, I...”She paused.

“What is it?” he asked.

She looked up at him and smiled. “I feel like that’s not your name. I mean I know it’s crazy. You read your name off your ID, we know it is your name. It’s just...Alex...somehow it doesn’t seem right to me, even though I have no memories to back it up.”

“Well,” he said with a smile, “what do you think I should be going by?”

“I don’t know,” said Willow. She thought for a moment, and then said. “What was your middle name? I know some guys go by their middle name instead of their first name.”

Xander laughed. “I hope that is not the case here, my middle name is Lavelle.”

“Lavelle! Alexander Lavell Harris! You are kidding!” said Willow with a laugh. “Yeah, I agree. Let’s stick with Alex.”

Xander nodded with a smile. They had gotten to the front door of the apartment and as he opened it, he said, “I am tired and I know you are too, but why don’t we look around a little bit more. Maybe we can find a few more answers tonight.”

Willow smiled and nodded and turned to start looking around the apartment, but his hand gently grabbed her arm stopping her and she turned to look at him.

“Hey, and just so you know, at least for tonight I am going to take the couch and give you the bed.”

“Oh, you don’t have to...” Willow started to say.

Xander smiled at her. “I may not remember you or myself, but I still feel like I can read you. You aren’t comfortable with all of this, something is not clicking.” Willow was surprised to hear him guess that, but she didn’t say anything. “We are both confused right now, and we should only be together if we both feel it’s right.”

Xander let go of her arm to start looking around the apartment, but this time she stopped him. She looked at him for a moment, and then moved forward and hugged him. “Thank you,” she whispered. He wrapped his arms around her petite frame and smiled down at her. The hug felt so comfortable and right to Willow that she wondered if she had been all wrong about her feelings earlier about Tara. Suddenly, she got a knot in her stomach as she wondered if perhaps both sets of feelings were true. What if she cared about and loved her boyfriend, but had also fallen in love with Tara? If so, had she told him? Had she told her? Did Tara feel the same way or was it just one sided? As they broke the hug and began searching the apartment, Willow’s brain was filled with questions.

“Where are my clothes?!?” shouted Anya down to Giles.

Giles at this point was surrounded by books that he had pulled from the bookshelf to try to find the solution to thier problems. “What dear?” he asked as he set the current book down and climbs the stairs to find Anya in the bedroom. She had opened all the drawers in his dresser and flung open the doors of the closet.

“All your clothes are here, but there is nothing for me to wear. I am your fiancée, why aren’t my clothes here?” said Anya in frustration as she dropped one of Giles’ shirts on the floor and sat down on a corner of the bed.

“Well, perhaps I am a bit old fashion. Perhaps I didn’t want us to live together until we were married...”

From downstairs came a shout. “Will you two shut up? I am trying to go to sleep!” Spike yelled as he turns over on the couch and tried to get comfortable.

Giles sighed. “Or perhaps I didn’t want us to live together, because I was trying to save you from my son.”

“But then where are my things? Where is my house? Where are my clothes, books, and pictures? All your stuff is here. Everything here says You, You, You.” She looked down at her feet with a sigh. “There is nothing here that tells me about me.”

“I know it is hard, dear, that is why I was downstairs trying to find a solution.” He sat down beside her and wrapped his arm around her. “it’s not going to be like this forever. We will figure out what happened and then all the blanks will get filled in.” He moved off the bed and crouched in front of her so that he could look her in the eyes. “Listen, I know we don’t know all the answers yet, but I’ll tell you what I do know.” He took her hands. “I do know that I care about you and will look after you until all of this is straightened out.” Anya smiled at him.

“HEY, YOU TWO UP THERE, SHUT UP!!” shouted Spike.

“The other think I know is that I am going to kill my son,” said Giles with a sigh. He stands up and grabs some clothes from one of the open drawers. “Here do you think you can make do with this just to sleep in tonight and I promise we will look for your place and your things first thing tomorrow morning?” Anya smiled and nodded, as she took the clothes offered to her.

“So do you think this will be comfortable enough?” asked Buffy as she finished making the downstairs coach with the sheets she had found in the hall closet.

“It looks great,” said Tara with a smile. “Thanks.”

Dawn came bounding in with a smile on her face. “Look at this. I saw the mail on the kitchen counter and while I couldn’t find anything addressed to dad, there were some letters addressed to mom and you will not believe what our mom’s name is.” She handed the letters to her sister who read the name.

“Buffy? Our mom’s name is Buffy,” said Buffy surprised.

“Looks like,” said Dawn with a laugh. “I mean that’s who the bills and boring mail is addressed to.”

“Weird name,” said Buffy with a shake of her head. “That reminds me I’ll have to go upstairs and dig through my stuff and figure out if my name is Joan or not.”

“I hope not,” said Dawn.

“Why not?” said Buffy looking askance at her younger sister.

“Well, it is a boring name” said Dawn.

“Oh yeah,” said Buffy and she grabbed a pillow and threw it at Dawn. Dawn screamed and grabbed another pillow and threw it at her sister, but instead it hit Tara. The situation quickly devolved into an all out pillow fight between all three girls.

When they finally calm down, they were all laughing and smiling. Tara smiled happily. “I needed that I felt so anxious not knowing anything about my life. It’s nice to ignore all that for a while.”

Buffy smiled at Tara. “Yeah, I know we have to still figure out where all of your clothes and belongs are, but look on the bright side at least you know your name.” Tara smiled at Buffy.

“And even if Randy isn’t your boyfriend, I am sure that whatever guy you are dating is very cool,” said Dawn with a smile.

Tara’s smile fades. “Dawn, I am not sure I...” She trailed off. She wasn’t sure whether she wanted to have this conversation. She looked at the floor.

“What is it?” asked Dawn.

Buffy looked at Tara and suddenly realized what it was that Tara couldn’t say. “I think,” said Buffy cautiously, “that you are jumping to conclusions about who Tara would want to date.”

Tara looked up at Buffy and smiles. Dawn still looked puzzled.

“Dawn, I know I don’t have my memories, but I think I am a lesbian,” said Tara.

“Oh,” said Dawn a bit surprised by this revelation.

The three sat in silence for a little while.

Suddenly, Dawn broke the silence. “Oh then, are the two of you a couple?”

Buffy and Tara gave each other a look of surprise.

Dawn continued. “Well, that would explain where Tara sleeps and where her stuff is - it would be in Joan’s room.”

“You think that I share a room with my lesbian lover while I still live with my parents and my little sister?” said Buffy with skepticism. “I think we would have to have the most open-minded parents in the world. Anyways I am not sure that I am a...” Tara lowered her head. Buffy stopped speaking. Buffy didn’t think that she was a lesbian but then again everything was so muddled, she didn’t even know her own name. She wondered if it was her who was in fact being close-minded. “You know what. Let’s go look,” she said decisively.

“Really?” said Dawn.

“Sure, if nothing else I am ready to learn more about me,” said Buffy with a smile.


	3. Pieces of history

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A photograph, a news paper article - from small clues the gang begins to fill in their past.

“Hey, look at this!” Xander called to Willow. Willow had been looking around the living room for clues about their lives, she dropped some papers that she had been looking at and joined Xander in the bedroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a photo album in his lap. As Willow entered the room, he smiled up at her. “You won’t believe this,” he said and pointed to a picture in the book.

Willow walked over and saw a picture of two little toddlers, one a dark haired boy and the other a red-head girl. “Wait, you don’t mean that that is...” said Willow in shock.

“Read the back,” he said with a smile.

Willow lifted the picture out of the photo album and turned it over. “Willow Rosenburg and Xander Harris age 2,” she read. “Xander! Xander! That’s it,” she said with a smile.

“You know it so weird to me,” said Xander looking her in the eyes. “When people were calling me ‘Alex’ that didn’t sound wrong to me, but it did to you. Even without our memories, you knew my name.” He touched Willow’s arm gently.

Willow smiled and look down at the picture. “Well, it is obvious we have known each other a long time.”

“Yeah, but it is still kind of neat to think that I am with someone who knows me better than myself,” he said with a smile.

They stared at each other for a long moment. Once again Willow’s head rumbled with questions. She felt so close to this guy at the moment. Did her earlier feelings mean anything? Should they mean anything? Should she just appreciate what she had right now with this guy?

“What other pictures are in the album?” She asked trying to forget about her internal struggle.

“Mostly me and you through the years,” said Xander as he began to slowly flip the pages. “There are hardly any pictures of either of our parents or my sister, but there are pictures of friends. For instance, in middle school, we seem to start hanging out with this guy.” Xander flipped a couple pages and pointed to a picture. “It says on the back that his name is Jesse. The three of us seem to be good friends, but then in high school he seems to drop out of sight just at the time we seem to start hanging out with someone else,” he said as he flipped a couple more pictures and pointed down to another picture.

“Oh, it is us and Joan,” said Willow brightly.

“You won’t believe what Joan’s real name is. Turn the picture over,” he said with a mischievous smile.

Willow turned over the picture. “Oh, my gosh,” she said with a laugh. “Who in the world is actually named Buffy?”

“Buffy, my name’s Buffy,” said Buffy in astonishment as she looked down at some of the papers she had just pulled from the drawers of her desk.

“Maybe you were named after mom,” said Dawn with a shrug. Dawn was sitting on Buffy’s bed looking through some of her own papers that she had brought in from her room.

“If so, I will have to thank her when she gets home,” Buffy said rolling her eyes. “Oh and what do you think all of this is about?” asked Buffy holding up a stake, a cross, and some holy water.

“What’s all of that?” asked Tara.

“Stuff, I found in my desk. Complete weirdness if you ask me,” said Buffy shaking her head. “You know I am not sure I want to learn more about myself if it is only going to lead to the realization that I am some crazy who thinks she is going to be attacked by vampires or something.” She shook her head as she shut the drawer. “Although, if I do think that perhaps it explains why I seem to be in my 20s and still living at home with my parents.”

“Well, I think we can rule out the idea of me sharing this room with you,” said Tara as she looked through the closet. “All of the clothes look to be your size and a little too small for me.”

“We can look in my closet,” said Dawn as she jumped off the bed.

Buffy raised her eyebrow at her little sister. “So what, Tara is now your lesbian lover?”

Dawn shrugged and smiled and headed off to look in her closet.

Tara smiled as Dawn left and shook her head. She sat down on the edge of the bed.

A moment later, Dawn came bounding back into the room. “It looks like all the clothes in my closet are my size.”

Tara smiled. “That’s good, because I think you are a little young for me.” Dawn sat back down on Buffy’s bed.

“I like this room,” said Dawn glancing around. “I wonder where you got that poster,” she said looking at a poster that could be seen through the metal headboard of the bed. Buffy didn’t respond.

Tara turned to look at Buffy and was surprised to see a distraught look on Buffy’s face as Buffy stared at a newspaper clipping in her hands.

“Hey, what is it?” asked Tara with concern as she got off the bed and came over to Buffy.

“I wasn’t named after my mother,” said Buffy in a weak voice as she handed the newspaper clipping to Tara.

Dawn came over and looked at the clipping in Tara’s hands. Tara began to read. “Joyce Elizabeth Summers died unexpectedly Tuesday morning as a result of a brain hemorrhage. She is survived by two daughters Buffy and Dawn Summers...” Tara stopped reading. The picture next to the obituary matched the pictures of the blond haired woman they had seen downstairs.

“Our mom is...” Dawn started to say, but was unable to complete the sentence.

Buffy was looking down at the ground. “I was so sure that she was going to come home and fill in all the blanks. Tell me about my life.”

The three sat in silence for a moment. Tara felt awful and wished somehow there was something she could say to make it better, but she couldn’t think of any words, so she justs rubbed her hand along Buffy’s arm trying to be comforting.

Dawn interrupted the silence. “But wait a second, if mom is gone, why are the bills made out to you, shouldn’t they be made out to Dad?”

Buffy pondered that for a moment and then suddenly a thought hit her like a dead weight in her stomach. She looked up at Dawn and said quietly. “I think it is time to go through the things in the master bedroom.”

The three girls quietly walked into the master bedroom. Buffy noticed that the wardrobe door was ajar. She walked over and opened the door to find a wardrobe full with dresses, skirts and tops.

“Why would our dad have that in his closet?” asked Dawn confused.

“He doesn’t,” said Buffy sadly as she picked out a dress and walks over to Tara. She held the dress up to Tara and it is obvious that this dress would fit. “We finally found your room, Tara.”

“But if this is Tara’s room, where does Dad sleep?” asked Dawn. “I mean you’re not our stepmom, are you?”

Tara’s eyes widened at the thought. “I...I...I really don’t think so.”

“No, I don’t think this is a Giles-Anya type of thing,” said Buffy to Dawn. Buffy approached Dawn and put her hand on Dawn’s shoulder. “I don’t think either of our parents live here.”

“You think...” Dawn paused mid-sentence to try to take it all in. “You think we’re orphans.”

“I don’t know for sure, but it would explain why the bills you found earlier are made out to me,” said Buffy sadly.

Tara looked around the room. “I guess...maybe I came to live with you to help Buffy take care of you, Dawn. Or maybe you rented out the room to me to help cover expenses.”

Buffy looked at Tara and sighed. “Or maybe Dawn was right earlier.” Tara looked at Buffy in surprise, but Buffy doesn’t say any more. Buffy didn’t know what she felt toward Tara. Right now all she could feel was a big black hole inside of her.

Dawn started to cry. “But they have to come. They have to tell us who we are. They could tell us all those stories about our childhood. They...” Dawn couldn’t continue through her tears, and she simply lowered her head and cried. Buffy came over and took her sister in her arms. Tara looked on both girls with compassion.

“Are you ever going to come to bed?” whispered Anya. She was now dressed in one of Giles’ t-shirts and boxer shorts. She had walked downstairs. Spike was asleep on the coach and Giles was reading a large book at his desk.

“I am sorry, dear. I just wanted to find a solution,” said Giles as he took off his glasses to rub his tired eyes.

“Tomorrow,” said Anya as she turned off the lamp and offered him her hand to lead him upstairs.

He nodded and followed her. Once upstairs, he got ready for bed. She was curled up under the covers as he came out of the bathroom. She looked like she might be asleep, so he took a moment standing there to look at her face. He was a little surprised that he would be engaged to a woman that did appear to be younger than him by at least a decade, but he couldn’t deny that she was a very beautiful girl and he considered himself lucky if this was in fact his life. As he climbed into the bed, she turned to him and he realized she wasn’t asleep earlier only resting. She smiled as she ran her hands over his chest.

“So, you said earlier that maybe we don’t live together because you are old fashion and you don’t want to do that before marriage,” she said. She moved her hand lower. He started in surprise. “So exactly how old fashion do you think you are?” she asked seductively.

Giles was surprised at first by the sexual advance of his young fiancée. He did have concerns. It never crossed his mind that they might not actually be engaged, instead it was more of a vague concern that he didn’t want to do anything that this young woman would regret when their memories return. After all, he thought, it could well be that it was her who had decided not to live together.

However, Anya had spent her long life defining herself through others, whether it was being Olaf’s wife, or being a vengeance demon, or being Xander Harris’ fiancée. She of course didn’t have any of those memories right now, but her personality was the same. She felt like she needed Giles to be with her tonight, if only because she needed him to define for her who she was now that all of her identity was lost to her.

Sensing Giles’ apprehension, she pulled herself close to him. She kissed him passionately until all of his reservations were forgotten.

“Looks like you need to up-date your photo album,” said Willow as they reached the last page.

“Yeah, it looks like I haven’t put much in there since high school,” said Xander with a nod. “Hey, look at this,” he said pointing at a picture of him and Cordelia and Willow and Oz. It was obvious from the picture who the couples were. “We may have known each other all our lives, but it doesn’t look like we were always a couple.”

“Yeah and look here,” said Willow pointing to another picture. “Looks like you weren’t dating anyone around the time of our senior prom and had to take your sister.”

“Oh wow,” said Xander looking at the picture of him and Anya. “Look how uncomfortable I look in that picture.”

Willow laughed. “Well, how many guys would be comfortable taking their sister to the prom.”

“Yeah, well I probably wouldn’t have had to if someone had not decided to go to the prom with some guy named...” Xander flipped over the picture. “Oz. You dated a guy named Oz? What type of a name is Oz?”

Wiollow smiled and Xander smiled back to her. Willow liked his smile. It was a warm kind smile. It was obvious from the pictures that she had dated guys in the past. She wondered if she was wrong about her feelings for Tara.

Finally, she realized she was tired of all these questions in her head and decided to find out the truth in the only way she could think of doing so. She brought her hands to Xander’s cheeks and then moved forward and gently kissed him on the lips. For a moment the kiss stayed gentle, soft, and innocent. But a feeling went thorugh both of them, not a memory exactly, just a strange sensation that they had been here before, like almost deja vu. Old feelings that had been locked away for more than three years found expression in that kiss. They began to kiss more deeply and passionately as a result.

When they finally broke the kiss. Willow looked into Xander’s eyes and announced, “You are not sleeping on the couch.” She smiled and he nodded and smiled back, and then he grabbed her and kissed her again as he did so he pull her on top of him and a little black crystal that had been in a pocket of her shirt fell out and on to the bedroom floor unnoticed.

“I think she’s finally asleep,” said Tara as she and Buffy quietly close the door on Dawn’s bedroom.

Buffy walked into the master bedroom and looked out the window at the stars. “She’ll be better in the morning.”

“How are you doing?” asked Tara kindly.

“Ill be alright,” said Buffy quickly.

Tara walked up next to Buffy and turned Buffy to face her. “That is what you say to her,” as Tara indicated Dawn’s bedroom door, “to make sure she doesn’t get scared. You don’t have to be like that with me,” said Tara putting a comforting hand on Buffy’s shoulder. “You don’t always have to be strong.”

Tears began to fill Buffy’s eays. “Tara, I am so scared,” she cried. “What if I never remember? My parents are gone and what if I never get the memories back of who they were and how they cared for me. I would feel like such an awful daughter.”

“Don’t!” commanded Tara. “This isn’t your fault. We’ll figure this out and bring your memories back.”

Buffy sighed. “It is scary not remembering, but I am also scared about the idea of what I might remember. That obituary mentioned that I found my mom’s body on the day that she died. I am not sure I am ready to remember that.” Tara noticed that Buffy’s hands were shaking Buffy looks up at Tara. “You just said now that I was strong, then how come I feel so weak.”

Tara wiped away the tears that stained Buffy’s cheek. “It’ll be alright.” She brought her arms around Buffy and pulled Buffy in for a hug. “It’ll be alright,” she softly repeated.

Tara’s hug felt so warm and kind and Buffy melted into the embrace. They stood there for a moment just holding each other, and then Buffy backed up enough that she could see Tara’s face. She looked at Tara for a moment and then steps forward and gently kissed Tara on the lips. As Buffy backed away Tara look surprised.

“Oh, I...I...um, I kind of thought from before that you thought you might be ...” said Tara a little flustered. “And I mean we have separate rooms you would have thought if we were together that...”

“I really don’t know right now if I am straight or gay. I mean my whole life seems upside down and I feel like I don’t know who I am,” said Buffy honestly. “But I am so scared.” Tears began to form again in her eyes. “Comfort me,” she whispered.

Tara looked at Buffy. She felt conflicted. Tara definitely found the beautiful blond across from her attractive, and the desire to be with her was so strong it was almost overhwelming. Yet she couldn’t completely ignore the feelings she had earlier felt for Willow. However, if Willow had a boyfriend then it would seem that Willow did not feel the same way about her. Yet, Tara also worried about taking advantage of Buffy when it was obvious she was in a very fragile state.

There was a pleading in Buffy’s eyes and even without her memories Tara’s personality was the same as it had always been. Tara couldn’t stand to see someone hurting if she could do anything to comfort them.

Tara hesitated for a moment more, and then brought her hand to Buffy’s check and kissed Buffy passonately. After so many hours of confusion and sadness, it felt so wonderful to Buffy to be loved and she kisses Tara back with equal passion.

They kissed for a long moment, before they finally broke the kiss and then walked hand and hand over to the master bed.

In three different bedrooms, six people, who had beeen stripped of all their memories searched to once again find their identities in the arms of each other.


End file.
